Attracted to my Boss and Confused, Please Help!

April 1, 2014 12:54 PM

I know, I know. But I just can't stop thinking about him, and he seems to like me, too, even though I'm not what would be considered conventionally attractive. He even seems to be hinting at marriage (!), but I worry about some possible red flags. Snowflakes inside.

he runs hot and cold, sometimes warm and affectionate, other times seeming chilly and aloof, and even flirting with other women; he may or may not be the biological baby-daddy to his adopted child (he dislikes talking about his past relationships, so it’s a bit of a mystery), and frequently disappears for days or weeks with no notice or explanation. Finally -- and this is going to sound crazy -- I think I hear occasional strange noises in his house at night ... like the muffled sound of a woman's voice screaming and ranting, which he brushes off as my imagination or "the help" making noise. Is this just me being paranoid? Am I sabotaging this budding relationship with my doubts and insecurities? I do love him, but just can't shake this nagging feeling that something's not right. Advice?

posted by JaneD’oh to Human Relations around (70 answers total)

He is likely killing and eating woman in his home just like that pig farmer, Picton, up in BC. DTMF(murdering)A.
posted by saradarlin at 9:08 PM on March 31, 2014 [12 favorites]

Even if he weren't disappearing for weeks with no explanation and even if there weren't weird screaming sounds coming from his house (!?), you should not date your boss. Ever.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:09 PM on March 31, 2014 [10 favorites]

The next time you hear screaming from the house, ring the bell and ask to join in! Sounds like he's more Guess and you can try being more Ask!
posted by rtha at 9:09 PM on March 31, 2014 [51 favorites]

Attracted to my Boss and Confused, Please Help!
I know, I know.

That's all you need. The rest is just dressing.
posted by edgeways at 9:12 PM on March 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE!!! With any luck you'll blind him, and then he'll have to stick with you. Women have been playing that game forever.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:12 PM on March 31, 2014 [82 favorites]

I think he's just shy. KISS HIM, YOU FOOL!
posted by nacho fries at 9:21 PM on March 31, 2014

DTMFA
posted by lalex at 9:23 PM on March 31, 2014

I'm confused! Do you have a crush on him or are you having a fling with him?

But yeah this is a terrible idea and I think you know it.
posted by radioamy at 9:28 PM on March 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Do you have any distant cousins you could go stay with? Or maybe you could go on a mission trip with your church? You know, clear your head a bit.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:38 PM on March 31, 2014 [37 favorites]

He sounds like the one.
posted by liquorice at 9:38 PM on March 31, 2014

Your dramatic-sounding boss has in fact been left in the fridge and/or out on the countertop too long and is past his expiration date. Don't eat him.
posted by slateyness at 9:41 PM on March 31, 2014 [6 favorites]

Asker, marry him.
posted by Elsa at 9:41 PM on March 31, 2014 [59 favorites]

Leading with "I'm attracted to my boss" and then going into description wherein you're sleeping with him (?) and you say you love him and he wants to marry is really very confusing.

Look, the guy is a red flag factory and you seem to want us to say it's okay. It's not. There is no happy ending here. Oddly enough, it's not even about him being your boss that's the problem for me here, it's that there's so much you're explaining away by saying you're attracted to and in love with him. Open your eyes and start running. Find a new job. Good luck.
posted by inturnaround at 10:20 PM on March 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

My answer depends: do you work at a red flag factory? If so, he's just putting in a really productive first quarter. Stay the course.
posted by davejay at 10:21 PM on March 31, 2014 [27 favorites]

When he's on his next mystery disappearance, hack the business accounts and rip off all his money. Then take a trip to Acapulco. You know you want to.
posted by the fish at 10:28 PM on March 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think I hear occasional strange noises in his house at night ... like the muffled sound of a woman's voice screaming and ranting

I seriously don't understand why you aren't calling 911. Isn't that the universal response when one hears the muffled sounds of a woman's voice screaming from within the house?
posted by she's not there at 10:28 PM on March 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

Try spicing things up by wearing his first wife's undergarments. Ask his housekeeper to show you where they are.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:32 PM on March 31, 2014 [16 favorites]

Depends, would you cross the wide Sargasso Sea for him?
posted by Pink Frost at 10:44 PM on March 31, 2014 [16 favorites]

You should listen to your gut. But if you ignore it because your love is overpowering, please make a Get Out plan for yourself if things go badly. (What if you discover proof he's been lying to you about a woman screaming in the house? For your sake, I hope it's just a hyena or something.)

At least please, please, put some food, water, and money into a Go Bag that you can grab if you need to leave in a hurry. Or if that's too bulky, make sure you take money with you at the very least. You need to protect yourself. Good luck!
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 11:14 PM on March 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

We discussed this and you agreed you wouldn't mention the voices when you posted this. This means you will have to spend more time in the hold. Also, I'm giving you a raise. Not literally.
posted by The World Famous at 11:29 PM on March 31, 2014

Ask him to whip you and see what happens.
posted by plep at 11:31 PM on March 31, 2014

If you poke his eyes out he'll become much nicer, trust me.
posted by h00py at 11:36 PM on March 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Have you told him how you feel using "I" statments? About the other women: Consider polyamory. About the mysterious screaming: if you can't trust him, then you shouldn't be pursuing him. What does he say about his hot and cold tendencies? Because when people tell you who they are, believe them. Try asking him out on a date, and use the word "date." If he says no, read "Gift of Fear," then DTMFA using Miko's breakup advice. Then considering getting yourself into therapy, stat.
posted by erstwhile ungulate at 11:56 PM on March 31, 2014 [25 favorites]

Don't forget to take your thumbscrews with you when you move in. And don't eat anything out of the freezer (pointer: it's leftover Bugs Bunny).
posted by Namlit at 12:01 AM on April 1, 2014

Check outside for the track of bicycle tires.
posted by Cranberry at 12:14 AM on April 1, 2014

Make sure you are really stoned before you ask him out.
posted by Mistress at 1:13 AM on April 1, 2014

Buy him a pet kitten. But declaw and castrate it first. Oh, and circumcise it because it's cleaner. Then you'll know he loves you if he names it after you.
posted by taff at 1:29 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Maybe you could talk to a deep-voiced gypsy clairvoyant to clarify your thoughts and emotions about this potential relationship? And if it doesn't pan out you may still end up the inheritor of a multi-million dollar sugar empire. Also: in this kind of situation it's wise to watch out for random fires and night-time dream-visitations by racially-confusing witch-spectres.
posted by Hugobaron at 3:29 AM on April 1, 2014 [11 favorites]

I would talk about this with the director of HR. In my experience, they are very accommodating when it comes to helping employees start up romantic flings with their coworkers, particularly when there is a power imbalance involved.

But I understand that you may be reluctant to do that. As an alternative, I would send a mass email to everyone in your workplace, basically explaining that you have this deep burning urge to jump your boss in the worst way. And in this email ask if anybody could respond with personal information, anecdotes, gossip...anything you can dig up about this boss that might help you better navigate the relationship you want. The relationship you deserve.

Good Luck!
posted by Seymour Zamboni at 4:16 AM on April 1, 2014

Is this the same man from your last four questions? Look, OP, I understand that you can't stop thinking about him and we've all been there, but I really think it's time for you to reconsider this job. He sounds like trouble, that kid is a brat (and if you're honest with yourself I think you know she's not just some unrelated child he took on as a charity case), and there is something seriously weird going on in that house and I will bet you anything it's not just a strangely-behaved servant whatever he's telling you.

It sounds like you had quite a tough upbringing and you're still coming to terms with it. Have you considered therapy? Or at the very least, going NC with your family? Because honestly, unless you've got some long-lost much nicer cousin (even who could hire you too and kill two birds with one stone!), I don't think maintaining relationships with your family is going to get you anywhere.

And if he tries to rush you into marriage, SAY NO. Or at least go and read Baggage Reclaim first.
posted by Catseye at 4:30 AM on April 1, 2014 [11 favorites]

Have you considered a gluten-free diet? All that drama is really the result of too much of the wrong kinds of foods, it's warping your judgment. I know being a nanny for a single dad must be really hard and you've got to take better care of yourself. Plus, your room in the basement of his house has really bad feng shooey because, duh, all basement rooms have it. So unless the dude gives you a raise so you can buy all organic gluten free food, and gives you the penthouse so you can see see the stars and benefit from optimal feng shooey you need to look for another job. Then when he's not the boss of your whole life maybe you can date him or not.
posted by mareli at 5:22 AM on April 1, 2014 [6 favorites]

Set up a list of secret tests in your mind that he must pass in order to prove he likes you. Don't tell him about these tests, that would be cheating!!

It's a fool-proof method.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:43 AM on April 1, 2014 [3 favorites]

Have you considered spying on his Facebook and email.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:54 AM on April 1, 2014

Ummm, not to be rude, but it sounds like you're a paranoid jerk. #sorrynotsorry
posted by insectosaurus at 6:02 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Look, this guy just needs some time and space. He just needs to be given benefit of the doubt, which you are already doing. This shows real insight on your part...you may be the woman who can change his ways. So stick with him, take the time and attention that he gives you, but DON'T question him. He'll come around eventually.
posted by kimdog at 6:04 AM on April 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

Flipping heck. Based on my experience I'd strongly suggest that you check his basement. But don't do it unarmed, and for the love of God tell someone where you're going first.
posted by tel3path at 6:29 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Reader, do not marry him.
posted by bleep at 6:40 AM on April 1, 2014 [5 favorites]

Many of us have heard these rumors about Matt. Tread carefully, Jessamyn.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:51 AM on April 1, 2014 [19 favorites]

Flipping heck. Based on my experience I'd strongly suggest that you check his basement. But don't do it unarmed, and for the love of God tell someone where you're going first.

No, no, never! Go with a friend or 2, but only with the lights off, and make sure you split up to cover more ground.
posted by The Deej at 6:52 AM on April 1, 2014

Have you asked the housekeeper's opinion on the noises? It seems like xhe could have a fascinating perspective on this situation.
posted by jph at 7:00 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think the only option here is to seek couples counseling with your boss.
posted by Falwless at 7:24 AM on April 1, 2014

You should Eyre on the side of caution.
posted by Sunburnt at 7:37 AM on April 1, 2014 [8 favorites]

He's your boss? Run. Like, to India if you have to. You know in your gut this is a bad idea.
posted by theweasel at 8:05 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Can you get in touch with this previous poster? I think you guys have a lot in common!
posted by onlyconnect at 8:06 AM on April 1, 2014

What are you doing Thursday Next?
posted by jeather at 8:10 AM on April 1, 2014 [4 favorites]

Not sure which direction the whooshing noise is coming from...
posted by Violet Femme at 8:24 AM on April 1, 2014

Based on your previous questions, you had a difficult and abusive upbringing. I encourage you to sit for a while with the idea that your loveless childhood may have encouraged you to attach too quickly to inappropriate father figures. Take some time for yourself and think this through. Distance will help.
posted by MsMolly at 8:47 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Don't walk, RUN. Preferably across some scenic moors. You can ask about good stops along your trip in next week's askme.
posted by ldthomps at 9:07 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 9:30 AM on April 1, 2014 [4 favorites]

I was in a bad relationship once that colors my perception of everything I've read on AskMe for the last 9 years, so I'll give my stock answer: Murder is an option, here, so long as you carefully dispose of the body.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:43 AM on April 1, 2014 [3 favorites]

Here's what you do. Draw a picture of the woman you think he's going to marry. Confide nothing in your co-workers, and be ever present in case a fire should break out.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:45 AM on April 1, 2014

Arrange for the INS to stop by and check out "the help".
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:50 AM on April 1, 2014

Is it against company policy to sleep with the boss? No? Do him! Do him now!
posted by Michele in California at 10:55 AM on April 1, 2014

Stay away from the Poole.
posted by maryr at 11:04 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Four words: STAY. AWAY. FROM. TREES.
posted by mynameisluka at 11:42 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm not really clear what your question was, but nthing much of the advice above.

However, if you do find something in his freezer or cellar, do not eat it. It is not possible to detect spoilage and microwaving on high for 45 seconds will likely not fix it. Remember, when it doubt, throw it out. If you think it was just left out on the counter, go ahead - you have 2 hours.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 11:59 AM on April 1, 2014

Perhaps some time in the country might help clear your mind? I understand the moorlands can be quite beautiful this time of year.
posted by The Violet Cypher at 12:06 PM on April 1, 2014

I'd check the pantry for fava beans. Coz that's the deal-breaker for me when it comes to serial killers.
posted by HeyAllie at 12:33 PM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

jane
jane
janet
my little mustard seed
my moon blossom

the professional white background doesn't fool me
why would you do this
i thought we had an understanding
we clasped hands once
why would you lead me on like that
you elfin minx

...

i'm sorry
i didn't mean that
btw how do you feel about moving to the continent
changing your name
pretending to live as brother and sister
jw
posted by talldarkandmaimed at 12:39 PM on April 1, 2014 [5 favorites]

Checking date. . . .oh.
posted by Danf at 1:21 PM on April 1, 2014

Have you considered sending him a banjo?
posted by dywypi at 1:53 PM on April 1, 2014 [5 favorites]

April fool's?
posted by bananafish at 2:00 PM on April 1, 2014

I'm sorry, but I have to take this to MeTa. This is the 37th time you've come to Ask with this exact question, and if you don't give your location, we just can't help you.
posted by xingcat at 2:56 PM on April 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

Is there or is there not a Chestnut Tree on the property?
posted by whimsicalnymph at 3:59 PM on April 1, 2014

Try to sneak up behind him and handcuff yourself to him. Then he can never, ever leave you again.
posted by double block and bleed at 6:33 PM on April 1, 2014

Also: have you tried ear candling?
posted by double block and bleed at 6:34 PM on April 1, 2014

Something very similar happened to me. Be very careful with the housekeeper. First, she kept underminding me in front of my boss and the rest of the staff. At the end, the bitch almost killed me and ended up burning my boss's house!
posted by clearlydemon at 6:54 PM on April 1, 2014

Buy him a cell phone, then see who he calls.
posted by SisterHavana at 8:20 PM on April 1, 2014

But really: try a neti pot.
posted by gubenuj at 9:11 PM on April 1, 2014 [3 favorites]

You are no bird, and no net ensnares you. You are a free human being with an independent will. DTMFA.
posted by obloquy at 10:37 PM on April 1, 2014 [3 favorites]