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April 1, 2014 5:34 AM

My kid won’t go the fuck to sleep. Looking for suggestions for books that will make my kid go. the. fuck. to. sleep.
posted by Jules Winnfield to Human Relations around (16 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Goodnight Moon?
posted by kagredon at 10:04 PM on March 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

In The Night Kitchen
posted by O9scar at 10:19 PM on March 31, 2014

Fuck go To Sleeping by andaman Mapsack
posted by threeants at 10:20 PM on March 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Jack Daniels and the Beanstalk
posted by artdrectr at 11:40 PM on March 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

The Bible. The begats will put anyone to sleep.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:48 PM on March 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Honestly? If your child's bedtime routine isn't working, and it's upsetting you THIS much, you should look into getting some therapy. This kind of reaction isn't normal.
posted by redsparkler at 12:03 AM on April 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

You ain't got no problem, Jules. I'm on the motherfucker. Go back in there, chill those children out, and wait for the cavalry which should be coming directly.
posted by Elsa at 12:21 AM on April 1, 2014 [7 favorites]

A very thick one, applied judiciously to the skull, repeatedly. a humble nudibranch's bible should do the trick.
posted by b33j at 2:39 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Who Let the Dogs Out?
posted by Gortuk at 5:48 AM on April 1, 2014

Nyquil. Like, half a bottle. Put me to sleep every time and I fine.
posted by Jacen at 7:24 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think Samuel L Jackson knows one.
posted by altolinguistic at 8:26 AM on April 1, 2014

I can fix that for you. Memail me for details
posted by TedW at 8:44 AM on April 1, 2014

Sandman, obviously.
posted by 40% Chance of Florence Henderson at 10:47 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

It's a widely known fact that there is a center in the brain stem which controls breathing and respiratory functions regardless of the person being unconscious or not (provided there isn't some additional disorder).

As such, something I do on a fairly regular basis when at work (I'm a Nanny) is:

1. Get Hefty Bag
2. Put on Donnie Darko Rabbit Suit
3. Go into child's room
4. Place Bag over child's head
5. Hold them tightly while crooning: "The sun will come up tomorrow"
6. Wait for them to stop struggling.
7. Remove Bag
8. Watch TV undisturbed.

Note that it is wise to not wait too long between Steps 6 and 7.

My first two employers won't even give me a decent reference because of this. Every time I contact them it's all like: "WE WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD!" Sheesh... talk about not being able to let the past go...
posted by Debaser626 at 10:48 AM on April 1, 2014

I don't have kids, but I think you ought to just let them cry it out. Someone I used to know but admittedly didn't get along with very well at the time did it with their kids and they turned out mostly okay except for the vandalism thing.
posted by Sequence at 5:12 PM on April 1, 2014

Phenobarbital and booze. Works like a fucking charm.
posted by double block and bleed at 7:12 PM on April 1, 2014

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