I'm an advertising man, not a red herring.

April 1, 2014 11:34 AM

Some maniac tried to kill me with a crop duster. I've got a job, a secretary, a mother, two ex-wives and several bartenders that depend upon me, and I don't intend to disappoint them all by getting myself "slightly" killed. Not that I mind a slight case of abduction now and then, but I have tickets for the theater this evening, to a show I was looking forward to and I get, well, kind of *unreasonable* about things like that. What the devil is all this about?
posted by theostandsfornothing to Law & Government around (21 answers total)

I was sprayed by a crop duster once, when I lived next door to an asshole's apple orchard. I've had asthma ever since.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:17 PM on March 31, 2014

Well, if it was 1959 you could have gone and seen your life in a movie, but in this day and age your predicament is going to be much less dramatic. Good luck on Mt. Rushmore. Watch out for the DHS.
posted by the Real Dan at 9:41 PM on March 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

When traveling by train, be sure to choose the route that allows for the most entrances into tunnels.
posted by blueberry at 9:56 PM on March 31, 2014 [9 favorites]

Make sure you had a spider crawl on your hand while the plane buzzed over you.
posted by brujita at 10:01 PM on March 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

Set up a trust fund to make sure your bartenders are taken care of if you die. You don't want anyone important to be left without support if the next attempt is successful.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:19 PM on March 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

All slight cases of abduction aside, I really think you ought to take this up with the advertorial board of regents. Tell them that the superfluous bartenders would be simply crushed if you missed your theatre engagement, all due to a case of renegade crop-duster mismanagement. It's balderdash, I say! Balderdash!
posted by cardinality at 10:53 PM on March 31, 2014

No offense intended, but maybe it's something about your face.
posted by one more dead town's last parade at 10:55 PM on March 31, 2014

I think it was something you drank. You passed out while an old movie was on and you now believe it really happened. You now need therapy.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:14 PM on March 31, 2014

What show are you going to see?
posted by Mistress at 1:14 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

And remember. No drinking and driving.
Not even beer?
Not even water.
posted by Sonny Jim at 1:24 AM on April 1, 2014

At no point should offer to hoist a woman up onto your sleeping berth on a train. You'll suddenly find your self on top of some mountain in the Dakotas.
posted by kuanes at 5:10 AM on April 1, 2014

Some maniac tried to kill me with a crop duster.

Northern Indiana is like that.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:43 AM on April 1, 2014

Do check your hearing and don't be like Willie Valdez Suarez. But remember to wear a well cut suit.
posted by rongorongo at 5:51 AM on April 1, 2014

Keep your wits about you. I think if you check your pockets you'll find a somehow-never ending cash wad. You'll be okay.
posted by bleep at 6:13 AM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

You know, when they abduct you, they return you to the exact same moment so it seems like no time has passed. To everyone else.

Good luck getting anyone else to believe you.
posted by SLC Mom at 7:41 AM on April 1, 2014

Do take care of your suit.
posted by OrangeDisk at 9:40 AM on April 1, 2014

You could always take a cold shower.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:21 AM on April 1, 2014

Why is it always the RED herring that gets picked on? That's slander. Or racism. Or something. Why not talk trash about the blue herring or the green herring once in a while?

People! I tell ya...
posted by Michele in California at 10:52 AM on April 1, 2014

You sound like someone's poured a whole bottle of bourbon in you. Without a chaser.
posted by troika at 11:12 AM on April 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

That's what happens when you drive off in Laura's Mercedes.
posted by toodleydoodley at 1:39 PM on April 1, 2014

MIC, I think its Communism.
posted by Jacen at 7:48 PM on April 1, 2014 [1 favorite]